Everything about him screamed your future.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It was a blind-side dick pic.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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