Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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