I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
