there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
