Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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