I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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