I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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