Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
