I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
