If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
