I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
