Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
