two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
