Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize