i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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