Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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