It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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