Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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