My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
