I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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