Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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