Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
