I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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