i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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