the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
