all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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