i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
