i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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