the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
