Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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