I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
