you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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