college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
