Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
