well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
