my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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