why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Green mimosas i think yes
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
