you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
