I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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