I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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