Who wears a wallet chain?!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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