i jhust puked up my retainher.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
