shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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