I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
