i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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