i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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