Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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