Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
