youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
