someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
