to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
