I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
