I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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