they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
