a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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