we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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