these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
