Your face is a jimmy john
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
