I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you had me at cake vodka
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
