I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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