Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize