currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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