one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
