Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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