she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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