ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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