i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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